


Begin Again

by curiosityandrain



Series: Begin Again [1]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Theatre, And a tiny bit of Smut, Angst, Blow Jobs, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Lots of gross fluff, M/M, Some angst, Theatre, a theatre au oh boy, theatre!dan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-29
Updated: 2015-10-29
Packaged: 2018-04-28 19:59:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 20,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5103878
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curiosityandrain/pseuds/curiosityandrain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil never expected Dan to take up a career in theatre but Dan moves to London to pursue it, leaving Phil behind. Three years later, Phil goes to see Les Mis where Dan plays Marius. Thanks to Phil’s friend Louise, they reconnect after the show. With both of their careers growing and going in separate directions, Dan and Phil are faced with the decision of whether or not they want to begin their relationship again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Begin Again - Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> check out the fic on tumblr instead: http://curiosityandrain.tumblr.com/post/132173075517/begin-again-masterpost

_Tuesday, March 1st 2011_

It’s been a long time coming. Months of Dan reciting his lines over and over, pacing back and forth in his room in the early hours of the morning. Mornings where he would belt songs in the shower and hum show tunes while cooking breakfast, and long hours of rehearsals that often go late into the night. But now the day has finally come. It’s opening night for the performance of Wicked, and Dan’s cast as one of the ensemble members.

It’s a fairly cool March day. The rain sprinkles down around Phil as he waits outside the theatre in Manchester. He’s unbelievably excited for Dan. Phil made sure to get to the theatre early so he wasn’t caught behind the crowd. He knows how important this is to Dan and he can’t imagine being late for his first, serious performance.

When the doors finally open, allowing people to enter, Phil clutches his bouquet of flowers and makes his way inside. Phil knows that he won’t be able to see Dan until after the performance so he doesn’t bother looking around for him. Instead he focuses on the atmosphere, the buzzing of families and couples and friends all eagerly awaiting the performance. Some are in line for food and drink, others are long time fans gathering up their money to buy all the merchandise available.

Phil on the other hand, waits in line in the lobby to enter the theatre. He’s gotten a pretty decent seat in the middle of the orchestra, thanks to Dan having a role in the ensemble. To be completely honest, he was slightly shocked when Dan actually landed the role. He’s always known that Dan loves theatre but he didn’t think he’d actually audition for anything, especially because he’s in university. But now he has an ensemble role for the UK tour of Wicked and Phil couldn’t be more proud of him.

After being ushered to his spot, Phil settles down and tucks the bouquet of flowers underneath his seat.

An older woman sits beside him regards the flowers and turns to speak to him, “Here to see in the show? A lucky girl perhaps?” She raises an eyebrow suggestively.

“Uh, yeah, well lucky boy actually…” Phil responds nervously. He can never be too sure of how people will react to his relationship. His friends and family are accepting but it was hard to tell with strangers.

“Ahh…” the lady says with a smile, “well I hope you enjoy the show. My husband’s the director and he’s been working extremely hard to put it all together. I’m sure it’ll be fantastic.”

The two make light conversation until the lights begin to dim, signaling that it’s time to direct their attention to the stage. Phil wishes he could see Dan. He can imagine him nervously pacing back and forth, trying to calm the nervous butterflies in his stomach. And although Phil knows he can’t really do anything, he sends mental good vibes to Dan anyway.

From the moment the trumpets start in the opening song, Phil is mesmerized. From the costumes, to the different song and dance numbers to the special effects, it’s all so breathtaking. It’s been a while since Phil has seen a musical, but that doesn’t stop him from wanting to see more the moment Elphaba and Glinda finish their sorrowful goodbyes.

Needless to say, Phil’s in absolute awe after the performance is over. Dan’s absolutely incredible. Sure he doesn't have a main role or a powerful solo or a long monologue but he’s still amazing. He’s all energy, delivering his lines with enthusiasm, belting out his ensemble songs and moving back and forth across the stage with grace. Now Phil understands why Dan loves theatre. When he performs, he truly comes alive. He slips into his character like a glove and performs like nothing else matters, just him and the stage.

Phil’s completely entranced and he wants to watch Dan perform a million times over. He wants to watch Dan capture the audience’s attention, reel them in and share his secrets, his emotions, his story.

The curtains part and it’s time for the performers to take their bows. The ensemble members are first to go on stage, and when they enter, applause roars throughout the theatre. Few people are standing  but Phil joins them to show his admiration.

Phil claps louder than anyone else in theatre but he doesn’t care, he’s beyond proud of Dan. He looks beautiful, granted, he was a little greener than usual, but he radiates happiness. He seems so blissful, like this is what he’s always meant to be doing. He owns the stage, bowing with confidence and a great big smile. It’s been a long time since Phil has seen Dan this happy. University has definitely taken a toll on him. It’s hard, Phil knows that, but it was even worse when you were studying something that you had absolutely no interest in.

“Which one’s your boy?” the lady beside him asks.

Phil points Dan out. He’s a citizen of the Emerald City, dressed in flowing green pants and jacket, complete with a green top hat and round green glasses.

“I had my eye on him,” the woman smiles, “he’s very talented, I can tell he’ll go far.”

“I know he will,” Phil beams. From that moment on, he can tell that this was what Dan will be doing for the rest of his life. It was unimaginable that he’d do anything else.

-

Once everyone clears the theatre, Phil waits in the front lobby for Dan to come out, flowers in hand. He shifts awkwardly from foot to foot, avoiding the subtle glances in his direction. He peers over the crowds to look for Dan but there are too many people. Instead, he stands near the theatre doors, waiting silently.

All of the sudden, two arms wrap around his waist from behind. Phil whirls around, it’s Dan, of course, with a smile brighter than the sun and flashy green sunglasses.

“I think you forgot something,” Phil pushes Dan’s glasses up into his hair.

“I’ll worry about that later… So, what did you think?” Dan asks tentatively, he seems self conscious almost. He’s never acted in front of Phil after all.

“You were amazing, Dan. My god, I never knew you could perform like that. If I had known, I would’ve encouraged you to do this sooner, you were absolutely brilliant.” Phil cups Dan’s cheek with his hand.

“Really?” Dan asks, a shy smile growing with every reassuring word.

“Yes, yes, really, you were incredible!” Phil nods, smiling widely. “Oh, and, uh, these are for you.” He holds out the assortment of bright red flowers. _Camellias_ , the lady at the flower shop called them. _Good luck, admiration and passion_ , she had said. Phil thinks they’re perfect.

“Oh god Phil, thank you, I love you.” Dan takes the flowers with one hand and pulls Phil into a hug with the other.

Phil bends down an inch so his lips meet Dan’s. They kiss quickly, doing so in public is risking as someone could recognize them or call them out. Once they pull apart, Phil wraps Dan in a hug, squeezing him tightly. “I love you more,” he whispers so only Dan can hear him speak in the loud hustling and bustling noises of the theatre.

_Wednesday, April 27th 2011_

It’s the first time that Dan has come back since he’d left to tour around the UK for Wicked. After being in Glasgow and Edinburgh for two weeks respectively, he’s finally back home in Manchester for a few days. But come Monday, he’s headed to Belfast and Dublin for a month.

It’s lonely sure, and he misses Phil a lot but this was the kind of lifestyle that you had to be prepared to live with if you were going to be touring around the UK.

A while after waking up to sleepy kisses in bed, the two had arranged themselves side by side on the love seat in living room with two bowls of cereal. They ate in silence while watching reruns of The Great British Bake Off

When he’s finished, Phil places his bowl onto the coffee table and rests his head on Dan’s shoulder. “I don’t want you to leave again, it’s too lonely without you.”

Dan takes hold of Phil’s hand, careful to balance the bowl of cereal in his lap. “I know, I know, I’m sorry,” he sighs.

Phil lifts his head, “don’t be sorry, it’s not your fault. I just missed you is all. A month is too long.”

Dan sets his bowl on the table and settles back into the couch. Phil adjusts himself so that his head is situated in Dan’s lap and he’s looking straight up at him.

“You comfortable?” Dan chuckles softly.

“Very,” Phil has a cocky grin plastered on his face.

They sit in comfortable silence for a few moments, watching the disastrous baking failures that contestants have to suffer through.

“Do you think your going to do more shows later on?” Phil speaks up.

Dan knows with all of his heart that the answer is yes. Yes, he wants to do this for the rest of his life. He’s found his niche and he wants to stay there forever. But there’s Phil to consider and Dan can already tell that he’s unhappy.

“Uh, well, I don’t know. Do you want me to?”

“I mean, I’m glad that you’re happy but no shows would make me happy, I miss you too much.” Phil sighs, clasping onto Dan’s hand again.

“I’ll always come back, you know that right?” Dan speaks softly, his free hand running through Phil’s inky black hair.

“Yeah, I know.” Phil buries his face in Dan’s thigh and mumbles, “but no more shows please.”

“Okay, okay. No more shows.” Dan agrees.  

“Promise?” Phil asks.

“Of course,” Dan presses his lips to Phil’s.

Even though his words feel official, like a confirmation, he knows that with every word, he’s lying to Phil. That feels even worse than when there were hundreds of miles between them.

_Tuesday, June 21st 2011_

The sunlight’s just beginning to seep through the windows, highlighting Phil’s soft, pale skin and curves. Dan thinks he looks beautiful, peaceful, serene. It’s been a long time since they’ve just laid there. Dan’s been on tour for Wicked for weeks at time, and when he comes back home, he never stays more than a week. He hates it and he knows Phil does too but this role, touring and performing, it’s everything that he’s ever dreamed of, and he can’t possibly fathom letting that all disappear.

Theatre’s something that’s always been apart of his life, he’s been in youth theatre productions since an early age and growing up, it wasn’t just a passion, it wasn’t a simple hobby, it was a sort of escape for him.

There’s no point in denying that his teenage years hadn’t been the best years of his life. For some reason, unapparent to him, he always stood out as an easy target to people. Whether it was because of the way he looked or how he spoke, the kids at school made it their mission to make him feel like shit.

So during the times where Dan had hated himself more than anything and times when he was constantly filled with self doubt, he would perform. He would escape. He could become a completely different character, one that the audience knew little to nothing about. As the show went on, they’d slowly learn more about him and form opinions based on things that were actually worthwhile. They didn’t judge Dan for staring at the boys in his PE class for far too long, they judged him because he was the murderous villain who was bound to be hated. Or, they praised him because he was the hero who had saved the day.

Being a character, he doesn’t have to hate himself, because whatever character he’s playing isn’t at all like him. And he doesn’t have to feel worried or scared that people would judge him or pick on him because in this world, they don’t exist.

But in the real world, they do, and although years have passed since Dan was in school and was called awful names, the memories still stuck. There are still days where he can’t stand a thing about himself, regardless of how many times Phil tells him he’s so wonderful and so beautiful. And days where he feels like he’s doing nothing right, but the characters he plays don’t have these problems, so sometimes it’s nice to forget about all that and live someone else’s life, even if it’s only for a couple hours at a time.

And as much as Dan wishes he could live in a whimsical world without a care in the world, he had bills to pay and videos to film – god, he’s been putting that off – and boyfriends to please, and currently, wake up.

Dan begins to connect Phil’s freckles, gently running his fingers over his broad back, forming constellations. He’s really only doing it to wake him up but he likes the way Phil’s skin feels under the tips of his fingers. Dan won’t be in Manchester for much longer as he’s leaving for Ireland on Thursday and he doesn’t want to waste a moment with Phil.

Phil stirs at the touch of Dan’s warm fingers, and rolls over to face him. A small, tired smile tugs at his lips,  messy black hair falling into his bright blue eyes. One is firmly shut, and the other is staring right back at Dan.

Dan reaches out and pushes Phil’s hair out of his eyes. “Good morning,” he murmurs, closing the gap between them, snuggling close and resting his head on Phil’s shoulder.

Phil kisses the top of Dan’s head. “Do you have to go?” he asks sadly, snaking an arm around Dan’s waist.

Unfortunately, they both know the answer to that question. Neither of them speak for moments after Phil’s question, but the tension is palpable and hangs over the room like a cloud.

It isn’t as if Dan wants to keep leaving Phil, he wants to sleep with Phil by his side and wake up to the sound of Phil cooking breakfast every morning. And it’s a hard thing to give up for sure but Dan has to question what he values more in life, and god, it’s so hard. He’s spent so many nights alone in an unknown bed in an unknown hotel trying to figure out what the fuck he’s doing.

Theatre’s his life now, it’s something that he’s always dreamed of doing, he’s spent so many days as a child imagining himself on stage in front of hundreds of people and now, it’s actually happening. But a relationship like this isn’t healthy, he can’t keep leaving for a month and then come back for a few days, it isn’t good for him or Phil and it hurts both of them. Even if they never discuss it.

Instead of answering, Dan decides to distract himself. He adjusts himself so that he’s straddling Phil and he peppers soft kisses along his neck, they’re firm, but only enough to leave small marks that will fade in a day’s time.

Phil rests his hands on Dan’s hips, “someone’s feeling eager today aren’t we?” he asks laughing.

“Shut up,” Dan smirks, pulling Phil in by the collar of his shirt and kissing him firmly. He holds onto Phil’s neck, his lips working in unison with Phil’s, wanting, needing, to feel more.

Pulling him closer, Phil moves his lips to Dan’s neck, they move along all the right places, causing him to moan.

“Fuck, Phil.” It’s far too early for this but it’s their last day together and god, he’s missed doing this and god, he wants Phil so badly.

Re-attaching their lips, they kiss softly and slowly. They kiss with soft hands, gently cupping cheeks, like the other person is made of glass and one wrong move can cause them to shatter into pieces.

Dan’s not sure if he’s ever felt more fragile and vulnerable than he had in that moment. He feels that if he pulls away, then everything will fall apart and disappear. He cups Phil’s head with each one of his hands and molds their lips together, there’s so little space between them, t it’s surprising that either of them can still breathe.

Phil pulls away first, taking Dan’s hands in his own. “Dan,” his breathing is heavy and strained.

“What?” Dan asks, feeling slightly defeated.

“Are you okay?” Of course Phil notices the unusual forcefulness and desperation, he knows Dan better than anyone.

Dan’s never really been one to be open about his feelings, in fear of judgement and ridicule, so he stays silent.

“I’m fine,” Dan’s voice cracks and his hands begin to shake around Phil’s.

Phil reaches out to stroke Dan’s cheek, “What is it?”

Dan collapses into Phil’s arms, choked sobs overcoming him.

“I don’t want to keep leaving you,” he says as breathy gasps escape his lips.

Phil wraps his arms around Dan tightly, pulling him close so that his cheek is flush with Phil’s chest. He runs a soothing hand up and down Dan’s back in an attempt to comfort him. “Hey, everything will be okay,” he says sincerely, his voice cracking as he tries to reassure Dan, “you’ll be back soon enough and I’ll always be waiting for you, I love you.”

“I love you too,” Dan mumbles into the warmth of Phil’s shirt. Phil’s always helped him at times like these.

In an ideal world, Phil would be waiting for him after each show, there to shower him in flowers and compliments and hidden kisses. But dreams aren’t reality and tomorrow he would be gone once again.

_Monday, August 8th 2011_

There are times where he wonders whether or not it’s worth it. Performing on stage, having on the experience of a lifetime, is it worth all the nights alone and all the sad phone and skype calls home to Phil.

It’s everything that Dan’s ever wanted so he knows it’s worth it, even if he’d never say it to Phil’s face.

Phil’s been a constant, stable thing in Dan’s life for years. Having so much time between seeing each other again is hard for Dan. He doesn’t know many people so they have long video calls when Dan has time off, neither of them can stop smiling and talking about absolutely everything.

“Reminds me of old times,” Phil says, only illuminated by his bright laptop screen in the middle of the night.

Dan blushes. He knows Phil can’t see from the shitty laptop webcam but he feels self conscious regardless.

And for a bit, they talk almost everyday. Everything’s so nice and so happy and Dan couldn’t ask for anything more.

Phil’s always a constant in Dan’s life, no matter how far apart.

_Friday, September 2nd 2011_

All good things come to an end, Dan supposes. He’s fucked up big time.

“So is this it?” Phil croaks, his voice hoarse and his eyes rimmed red.

“No, Phil please–” Dan sobs, he’s begging, pleading for anything so that Phil would just fucking listen to him.

“No, Dan, why didn’t you tell me earlier?” Phil asks angrily, his voice low and indignant. “Did you not trust me?”

In hindsight, Dan probably should’ve told Phil that he auditioned for the West End’s production of Wicked. He probably shouldn’t have taken that train to London three weeks ago. He shouldn’t have broken his promise.

Dan stays quiet. He’s overflowing with guilt, unable to think of an excuse or an apology that would suffice.

The moment he stepped into the audition room, he had felt like his heart had dropped. He knew he was going against his and Phil’s agreement but this is the biggest opportunity he’s ever gotten and not taking it would be seriously damaging to his career.

“We had an agreement Dan!”

“I’m sorry–my agent said that I’d be stupid not to audition for this.” Dan doesn’t meet Phil’s eyes.

“I don’t care about your agent, why didn’t you tell me?” Every word is careful and slow, cold and crisp. Dan’s not sure he’s ever seen Phil look so angry.

“Because I knew you would react like this,” he takes a step closer to Phil. It feels even more cramped in their tiny living room.

Phil pauses, his lips set in a firm line as he swallows hard. “Maybe I wouldn’t have acted like this if you’d told me!” he says accusingly.

“Yes you would’ve Phil. You would’ve acted the exact same way. You’ve always complained about how lonely it is without me here, god knows if I had told you would’ve tried to stop me.”

“How can you say that? You didn’t even tell me,” his voice shakes.

“What does it matter? You don’t give two shits about theatre anyway!” Maybe that overstepped it.

Phil’s gives him a cold glare, teeth grinding. “You know that isn’t true,” he points an accusatory finger at Dan, “you know that I would come to every performance if I could but I have a job too Dan, I have a life outside of you.”

“I’ve waited so fucking long to finally be with you, and we were together, we had that, but if this is more important to you, then I understand.” Phil looks down at the ground, his posture slumped.

Dan reaches out an arm, “Phil please–.”

Phil takes a step back, moving away from Dan. He slumps onto the couch, putting his face in his hands, not even bothering to wipe away the tears that were falling.

Dan sits beside him, putting a comforting arm around him, “we can make this work,” he says, he’s crying now too. “We did it before and we’ll do it now.”

Sinking into Dan’s arms, Phil rests his head against his chest, letting out small sobs.

“We’ll make things work, we’ll skype every night and–,” he chokes up, tears overwhelming him, “fuck, Phil.” Dan sobs, wrapping his arms around Phil like the only way to keep him there is to hold him as tightly as possible.

Phil cries into the crook of Dan’s neck for what seems like forever until he pulls away and speaks. “We waited so long for this, and now, and now it’s all going to be gone.”

“Don’t say that,” Dan’s voice cracks. “You don’t mean that.”

“Well it’s true isn’t it?” Phil asks, his voice shaking slightly.

Dan can’t think of a way to respond, instead he closes the gap between their lips, Dan kisses Phil forcefully, careful to savour every bit.

Phil pulls back first, “Dan,” he breathes heavily, “please.” _Please, don’t make this harder. Please, don’t kiss me again. Please, don’t make me fall even more in love with you than I already am._

“I can’t do this,” Phil says.

Dan responds simply with “okay.”

Phil leaves the room, slamming his bedroom door behind him. Dan sinks into the couch, he feels completely sick to his stomach. He can’t believe he’s ruined things, he can’t believe that things are over.

He needs someone to pinch him, wake him up from whatever horrible dream he must be in. But the only other person here is Phil so he cries until he’s used every last ounce of his energy over heartbreak. He falls asleep on the couch that night. He starts packing the next morning.

_Saturday September 17th 2011_

Dan hasn’t heard from Phil in two weeks so he’s assumed things are done for good. He’s moved away, packed up every last belonging and taken the train to London where he’ll be staying with his grandma for the next little while. He’s finally moving on, he’s healing and forgetting. Wicked has kept him so busy that he’s barely had time to think about Phil up until that evening.

It’s a quiet night at home, Dan’s eating dinner with his grandma when his phone starts to ring. It seems so strange for Phil to be calling him so Dan excuses himself from dinner and goes up to his room to continue the conversation.

“Phil? Is everything alright?” Dan’s really curious as to why on earth Phil’s called him after two weeks of silence.

“Uh, Dan, a-are you near a computer right now?” Phil’s voice is shaky on the other end.

“Um, yeah, I’m in my room. What’s up?”

“Well, I– _fuck, shit,_ ” he mumbles an incoherent string of curses.

“What is it Phil?” Dan asks, growing more worried.

Phil’s voice sounds weak and strained as he speaks, “Dan, do–do you remember that video I made for you for Valentine’s Day?”

Dan’s throat clenches. “What about it?”

“W-well I– it’s up on YouTube…”

“What the fuck do you mean _it’s on YouTube_?” Dan snarls. That video is private and it’s theirs. At the time, it made Dan fall ten times more in love with Phil. But now it feels like a scar, stinging to remind him how everything between them was ruined.

“I–I didn’t–,” Phil stutters.

“Is this some kind of joke Phil? Is this your way to get back at me for leaving?” He grabs his laptop from where it’s sitting on his bed and types in the URL to Phil’s second channel and sure enough, it’s there, the thumbnail picture of Phil glares straight back at him. 989 views, fuck.

“No, god, I didn’t do anything, someone must have hacked me or it must be some sort of glitch. Fuck, Dan, I don’t know what to do.” Phil’s breaths are more laboured now.

“Well can you take it down?” Dan asks desperately.

“I would, but I’m walking home right now and I don’t know what to do Dan. People are tweeting me and I, I–.” He sounds like he’s about to start crying.

“Phil, it’s all right okay? W-we’ll figure things out okay?” Dan’s hands are starting to shake and he can’t deny that he too is nervous and scared and feels like breaking down and crying. But he knows that they need to think rationally about how they can fix things before they do anything stupid.

“Could you log on to my account?” Phil asks, breathing heavily, it sounds as if he’s running.

“Uh, yeah, sure. Is the password still the same?”

“Yeah.”

Dan logs out of his account as fast as he can and onto Phil’s.  

The video now has a thousand views and they’ll only keep climbing if it isn’t taken down. Dan clicks on the video, he pauses it before it can load and Phil begins retelling the memories that Dan wishes he could go back to. With shaking hands, Dan clicks the video manager and scrolls down to the delete button, his mouse hovers for a split second before he taps the delete button.

“It’s gone, I deleted it,” Dan says, feeling a small weight lifted off his shoulders, but it doesn’t counteract the fact that people had seen it. A thousand people, one of them was bound to save a copy for themselves.

Phil lets out a relieved sigh, “oh thank god. Thank you so much Dan.”

“Of course,” he says quietly, almost a whisper. There’s a short silence before Dan continues speaking again, “but Phil, what do we tell people? What the hell would happen if all our viewers found out about that video?”

“Shit. Fuck. I hadn’t even thought of–, I was just so caught up in getting it down that I hadn’t even considered the fact that people would talk about it. But shit, now they’re going to be spreading rumours and–.”

Dan cuts him short, speaking through gritted teeth. “What are we going to say Phil.”

“Jesus Dan, I don’t know,” he huffs. “It wasn’t,” he hesitates, “it’s not like the video was a joke.”

“A joke!” Dan exclaims, “we can just say it was a prank. That we wanted to troll people or something.”

“That’s a pretty unbelievable prank if you ask me. It’s too sincere, they’ll never believe it.”

“You’re a good actor!”

Phil scoffs, “you’re the one on the West End, not me.”

“Do you have any better ideas?” Dan’s becoming frustrated.

“No,” Phil murmurs.

“Alright then, we’ll just say it was prank. Trying to troll the shippers or whatever, they’ll buy it.” Dan isn’t sure he believes that.

“But they’re not _stupid_ Dan,” he grumbles.

“Then why don’t you tell them Phil? Why don’t you tell them that you gave me the best times of my life but now we’re hundreds of miles away and this, whatever this is right now, is never going to work out.”

Phil had always been much more open to the idea of their relationship being open to the public, Dan on the other hand, had recoiled in fear. The names he was called by the kids on the playground still stuck in his memory and he sure as hell did not want relive that, especially not on the scale of thousands of people.

"So everything we've ever been through leads down to this? A stupid, fucking video?" Phil sounds exasperated.

"Phil please it's not-"

"I have to go, Dan. I’ll talk to you later," He cuts him off abruptly, too mad to care for what Dan has to say.

They never do talk again, after that fight, their lives move in completely different directions that trying to fix something that’s already falling apart seems useless.

There are days where Dan will yell at the people on tumblr for questioning absolutely everything and he’ll cry over the empty spot in his bed. But most of all, he’ll cry over the missing puzzle piece of his friend – though really, it was so much more than just friends – but he supposes that it’s something he’ll  just have to become accustomed to.

There are days where he feels the lowest he has in years, he escapes to the theatre for every possible performance as a distraction, some sort of solace. Until one day, it isn’t a problem anymore. YouTube fades away, the frequent amount of questions disappears and Phil’s just a memory, a good one, but he’s no more than a piece of Dan’s past.

****  
  


 

 


	2. Begin Again - Part Two

_3 and a half years later..._

_Monday, April 28th 2014._

Phil swears he’s had the longest day of his life. He had a meeting with the BBC today, after seeing his online success and fan base, they’ve decided to offer him a show. He’d done small Christmas specials and interviews in the past but this was a full time, weekly, radio show and Phil couldn’t be more excited. If things go as planned, it’ll be Phil’s biggest accomplishment yet.

But his day isn’t over yet, today is also his best friend Louise’s birthday and she’d gotten tickets to see Les Mis on the West End from her husband, Matt. She called Phil up last minute yesterday night, pulling on his arm, begging him to come with her because her daughter Darcy was sick and Matt needed to take care of her. Louise insisted that she couldn’t let the tickets go to waste so Phil reluctantly agreed.

Most of his reluctance is irrational and petty and drawn from a certain boy who’d left him with a broken heart not too long ago. To be fair, he isn’t even a boy anymore. He’s a man, a renowned actor on the West End. The newspapers and articles and TV interviews kept Phil well aware of that.

Phil can’t escape him anywhere, between the media, his YouTube career and his online audience, there are remnants of Dan everywhere he goes. They follow him, mock him, he’s bombarded with questions from fans everyday about Dan’s strange and sudden disappearance from YouTube. Unfortunately, Phil doesn’t have answers for them. He hasn’t spoken to Dan in years and Phil honestly doesn’t know if he ever wants to.

He knows they could’ve figured things out, reasoned with each other, but Phil was so stubborn and Dan was so strong willed that Phil let him go. Looking back now, it was a stupid, compulsive decision but neither of them tried to fix it, so they ignore things and let things be.

Phil tries not to think of it now.

-

An overwhelming feeling of deja vu overcomes Phil as he waits in the Queen’s Theatre with Louise. It feels the same as it had three years ago, except the theatre’s bigger, the chandeliers are more sparkly and the people are more dressed up.

“You excited?” Louise grins at Phil.

“Of course,” Phil smiles right back at her. Though he isn’t sure he is, the last time he saw any type of musical performance was when Dan was in the ensemble of Wicked. So now, the prospect of seeing anything to do with musical theatre puts him off a bit because it’s linked so heavily to Dan and he can’t seem to shake that.

Slowly the line moves along, they enter the theatre and head for their seats. Which, Phil has to admit, are very nice seats. It’s just a shame that Matt couldn’t go after he spent all this money on tickets for Louise.

“God, Matt’s too good to me,” Louise chuckles lightly, settling down into her seat which is in the first few rows of the stalls to the left.

Phil doesn’t respond to Louise’s remark but the pitiful look she gives him makes him certain that she knows how he’s feeling and what he’s thinking about.

Sometimes Phil wishes he had someone again. Obviously he has friends like Louise and Chris and PJ but it isn’t the same. He doesn’t tell them his deepest secrets and insecurities, unspoken wishes and desires. He can’t talk about them for hours on end about his favourite movies and TV shows and albums, they don’t care enough, they’re too busy with their own lives to pay all that attention to Phil.

He’s tried to try to be with someone else, but every time he has, it stops before it even starts. He’s too afraid that he’ll be left completely devastated and broken hearted like he was with Dan. And even though he knows that was only one time and that his thoughts are irrational and that not all people are like that, there’s an annoying voice in the back of his head that keeps telling him otherwise.

No one’s fit him quite like Dan had. For them, every piece was perfectly connected and everything made so much sense, they complimented every aspect of each other’s lives. Up until the last few months of their relationship, everything felt right. And while Phil doesn’t believe in soulmates, he can’t deny that what him and Dan had was something special. He has never forgiven himself for what happened.

“Don’t think about him, okay?” Louise places a hand on Phil’s arm reassuringly. “It’s not like you’re going to be forced to talk to him while I’m seeing Carrie.”

Carrie’s also a YouTuber, she uploads less frequently because of her role as Eponine but her content is creative and entertaining all the same. Her and Louise are fairly close friends so Louise wants to surprise Carrie and visit her at stage door. Which normally, wouldn’t have been a problem, Phil would’ve loved to say hello to Carrie too, but he knows that Dan will be there too and he fears what might come out of that.

“I might be,” Phil mumbles.

“And even if you are, be confident, strut your stuff, show him what he’s missing out on!” Louise nudges his arm.

Phil laughs, “you’re ridiculous.” She does have a point though, he supposes making Dan a bit jealous wouldn’t hurt.

“Just try and enjoy the show okay?” Louise says with a squeeze of his arm.

Phil nods and whispers, “thanks,” as the lights start to dim. The show was about to begin.

Less than five minutes into the performance Phil’s reminded as to why he loved going to as many of Dan’s performances as he could. The energy is incredible, magical, enticing, it’s as if everyone in the theatre is on the edge of their seats, desperate to find out what will happen next.

The musical is filled with such an indescribable air, the actors pour every last drop of their emotions into their performances and it shows, they have the entire audience wrapped around their finger.

The moment Dan steps on stage as Marius, Phil is blown away. He doesn’t look anything like he did three years ago with his natural curly hair, pale skin and fancy costume. Phil would be lying if he said he didn’t google Dan every few months but seeing him in person is totally different.

As the show progresses, Phil can’t keep his eyes off Dan, the way he moves across the stage, with such ease. The way his voice projects around the entire theatre and hits all the right notes sends shivers up Phil’s spine.

Once it reaches time for Eponine’s death scene with Dan and Carrie performing the absolutely heart breaking duet, A Little Fall Of Rain, Phil surprises himself by shedding a few tears.

Louise puts a comforting hand on Phil’s shoulder, noticing his tears. Phil glances over at her briefly noticing her smudged makeup and watery eyes and figures she’s found the performance equally emotional. They give each other sympathetic smiles through teary eyes before turning their attention back to the show.

Phil thought that he’d be spending the entire performance mulling over Dan but he so quickly becomes engrossed in the story and the characters that any thoughts of Dan are completely forgotten.

But, before Phil knows it, the show is over, the curtains close and all the thoughts of Dan have come flooding back to him.

“That was incredible!” Louise’s jaw is open wide. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier, it was brilliant, Carrie was brilliant.”

“She was,” Phil agrees.

“Well then what are we doing? Let’s go tell her!” Before he knows it, Louise is pulling Phil by his arm and guiding him through the swarms of people.

-

There are roughly twenty people waiting outside of stage door, all eagerly awaiting for their favourite actors to appear. Dan and Carrie being the most popular due to their built in social media presence.And although Dan’s has faded over the years, he still tweets from time to time and has dedicated fans who have been with him since the start of his YouTube channel.

That last fact worries Phil a bit, because if they know Dan they are bound to know Phil and seeing them together after so many years will raise dozens of rumours.

Luckily, Louise makes her way to Carrie before any fans can talk to her. Phil hopes that means they’ll be out of their quickly but as the two started talking, it doesn’t seem as if they’ll be finished anytime soon.

Phil supposes he could leave and take the tube back home but that’d be rude and besides, he’s here to celebrate Louise’s birthday, not to worry about stupid exes. Stupid exes who happen to be standing only a few meters away from him.

Just hearing his voice makes Phil’s heart seize up, it’s deeper, more confident and no longer cracks in the middle of his sentences. He tries his hardest not to sneak glances but he can’t help it, he looks so different. All preexisting baby fat has faded and made way for a strong jaw and high cheekbones.

It isn’t as if Phil doesn’t want to talk to him because, god, he does. Phil wants to tell him how much he’s missed him and how he never wishes he’d left. He wants to tell Dan how proud he is. Even if Dan’s left Phil completely alone and brokenhearted, he can’t deny the part of him that relishes in seeing the scared, shy boy he once knew become so successful. Deep down Phil knows that he’s helped Dan during the worst of times, when he felt so low but Phil brought him up, he’s helped him find confidence, he’s encouraged him to go after his dreams and it’s amazing and wonderful and strange to see them come true.

Soon enough, Louise and Carrie’s conversation dwindles. Carrie apologizes, saying she has to talk to the rest of the people waiting for her. They give each other a quick hug before Louise turns to Phil.

“You going to say hello to your boy over there?” She nudges his arm.

“Like hell I am,” Phil laughs dryly. “Come on, let’s get ourselves back home.” He begins to walk towards the direction of the nearest tube station before he realizes that Louise wasn’t beside him anymore. He whirls around, and there’s Louise, still at stage door, talking to none other than Dan.

Phil’s mind is shouting at him to just leave, to hop on the tube, to go back home and forget Dan Howell has ever existed like he’s been doing for the past three years. But his legs keep moving towards Louise and Dan. The two have already spotted him, there’s no turning back now.

“Hi,” Phil says as he approaches. The first thing he notices was that Dan is now taller than him, only by an inch or so but it’s still noticeable to him.

“Phil,” Dan looks utterly shocked, his eyes wide, his mouth hung open slightly and his cheeks are dotted with pink.

“Dan,” Phil says, though it isn’t really a reply.

“I–I don’t even know what to say,” Dan breaks into a small grin.

Louise butts in, “I think I’ll leave you two alone.” She turns to Phil,  “Thank you for the lovely evening, I’ll call you tomorrow.” She kisses him quickly on the cheek and heads off to the tube station.

“Wha–wait, Louise!” He calls behind her but she only waves.

“Wait, Phil,” Dan interrupts, before he makes an attempt to chase after Louise. “I’d like to talk to you, you know, if that’s okay.”

“Y-yeah, that’d be nice,” Phil smiles shyly

“Well, I’m all done here, we could take a walk around if you’d like.”

“Sure,” Phil replies before the two set off to take a small walk around the block.

The walk in comfortable silence for a couple minutes until Dan breaks it, “I’ve missed you a lot Phil.”

It’s so honest and sincere. “I’ve missed you too,” Phil replies, he’s not sure of what else to say.

“You know, I still– I still watch your videos, they’re really good.” He chuckles softly. “That was weird to admit, I’m sorry”

“No, it’s not” Phil laughs, “thank you though. And you’re pretty amazing up on stage, I mean, I forgot how good you were….” He trails off.

Phil turns his head to look at Dan, he thinks he sees him blushing. “Thanks, it means a lot, coming from you.”

“From me?” Phil questions.

Dan stays silent. “Yeah I mean you encouraged me to do pursue this in the first place. Even when my family and all my friends said it was stupid and that I’d get nowhere, you were always there telling me that it was worth a shot and that I had potential and that I could do this and–. And well look where I am now.”

“Of course,” Phil says “I mean, that’s what friends are for right?”

“Right,” Dan agrees, before shooting a quick smile to Phil. He pauses before asking, “so who’s Louise?”

Phil laughs, he’s received that question a surprising number of times.  “she’s not my girlfriend or anything if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“Oooh really?” Dan smirks, exaggerating his vowels as he speaks.

“Oh my god, seriously, I haven’t, I’m not–,” Phil stops himself, best not to get into his personal life just yet.. “She’s married and has a daughter. It’s her birthday tonight and her husband is at home taking care of their daughter so she asked me to come instead and I agreed.” He shrugs casually.

“But that’s all in your plan to see me again? Right?” Dan jokes, a small smirk spreads across his lips.

“Yes,” Phil nods playfully, “that’s the only reason I came here.” The two dissolve into laughter.

As they start to approach the theatre again, Dan looks down at his watch. “It’s getting late, and cold. This was really nice, I’d love to catch up more, you know, if you don’t mind.”

“Uh yeah, sure,” Phil begins to pull his phone out of his pocket before Dan stops him.

“My number’s still the same, if, you know, you still have it.” Dan says meekly.

Phil feels his cheeks heating up, “uh, yeah, of course I do.”

“Okay, great, I’ll text you or you’ll text me or–.”

“Dan, I’ll text you, don’t worry.” Phil grins.

“Right. Yeah, okay,” Dan fiddles with his fingers, smiling shyly.

If it were a different time, if things were different, Phil would’ve gone in for a hug and Dan would’ve rested his head in the crook of Phil’s neck. But now, Dan’s too tall and things aren’t the same as they used to be. It would be incredibly awkward, not to mention inappropriate.

“Well, talk to you later I guess.”

“Talk to you later,” Phil repeats, heading towards the tube station.

“Bye!” Dan calls after him.

Phil gives Dan a wave over his shoulder before heading to the tube. He can’t help but smile the whole way home.

_Sunday, May 4th 2014_

“I can’t believe you got me into this Louise,” Phil complains over the phone. It’s a lazy morning and he’s lounging on the sofa. He and Dan have plans to meet up later that afternoon as it’s Sunday and one of his few days off from performing.

“I didn’t do anything, you’re the one who talked to him and made these arrangements,” Louise quips.

“But I didn’t go up to him,” he groans. “God, I’m gonna be such a mess, I haven’t been on a date in about a year–.”

“Wait, wait,” Louise cuts him off, “who the hell said this was a date?”

“Well, I mean, technically it’s not but, god it sure feels like one.” Phil feels his stomach turning, filled with butterflies that travel up to his throat and make it hard for him to speak.

Phil can imagine Louise rolling her eyes, she lets out a sigh and says, “Phil, honestly, you have nothing to worry about. You know Dan– well knew him better than anyone. Don’t worry about that sort of stuff now, just focus on building your friendship again.”

“Right. You’re right, sorry. I don’t know why I’m freaking out so much.”

“Being nervous is normal but don’t stress yourself out too much, everything will be fine.”

“Thanks Louise,” Phil’s lips curl into a smile.

“Of course,” she replies. “Anyway, I best be going, me and Darcy are going grocery shopping.”

“Alright,” Phil says, “say hi to her for me.”

“Will do.” She pauses, “good luck today, remember to call me afterwards and tell me how it goes.”

“Like you’d let me forget,” Phil chuckles.

“Ha ha,” Louise says dryly.

“Okay, well, bye then.”

“Bye, love you.”

“You too,” Phil finishes before hanging up the phone.

-

Phil knows it’s wrong to stare at Dan, as he’s his ex boyfriend and they’ve only just started talking again, but when he enters the cafe that afternoon in a black leather jacket that hugs his body in all the right places, Phil can’t help himself.

“Hey, sorry I’m a bit late, tube’s always unreliable,” Dan says after he’s sat down across Phil at a table near the back of the cafe.

“Oh it’s fine, only just got here.” That’s a lie, he’s been here for five minutes but what Dan doesn’t know wouldn’t kill him.

“So you wanna order now or later?” Dan asks

“Now’s fine,” Phil says starting to stand from his seat.

A few minutes later, they’re settled back at the table, Phil with a plain coffee and Dan with a latte and a blueberry muffin, which Phil insists on paying for.

They speak casually of their day to day lives and the small things that have changed since they last saw each other. It’s strange to be talking again after so long of not communicating but there is such a sense of familiarity as laughter flits throughout their conversation, the two making snarky quips back and forth and reminiscing over old memories.

“It’s kind of weird isn’t it?” Phil begins after a sip of coffee, looking directly to Dan.

“Hmm, what is?” Dan asks as he creates swirls of milk in his latte with a stir stick.

“We both ended up doing the things we loved most in life. I mean, you’ve been wanting to do this for how long…?”

Dan gives the lightest laugh, barely just a shrug of his shoulders. “Since I was about eight or nine probably.” He thinks of his first production, Annie, he remembers being upset when he’d been given a small role as an orphan. He finds it hard to believe that he’s gone from doing small community theatre productions to having a lead role on the West End.

“Yeah, and I’m doing YouTube, I mean being a YouTuber wasn’t even a thing when I was growing up but now it’s my life…” Phil trails off. “I don’t know, it’s nice I guess.”

“It is nice.” Dan gives a nod. “I think that’s why people like YouTube, it’s authentic and genuine, you’re really able to express yourself.. Doing theatre, I’m anyone but myself.”

“But that’s why some people are drawn to it, isn’t it? Escapism or whatever, forgetting about their problems?”

Dan knows about that all too well. “Oh of course, I mean, even for me–, it helps a lot.” He thinks about times at school, when even in a school full of hundreds, he felt more alone and ostracized then he had in his entire life. But then there was theatre, his little niche, his safe bubble, the place where he belonged.

“Is everything alright?” Phil’s voice is laced with concern.

“Oh, yeah I-I’m fine but you know, there was a time where I wasn’t.” He trails off, not meaning to delve too deep too soon, not that it’s something that Phil doesn’t know about.

Phil pauses, regarding him curiously for a moment before speaking again. “Do you ever think of making videos again?” He leans in a bit closer, propping his elbows up on the table.

I mean I guess I’ve thought about it but I’m exactly where I want to be in life. Theatre keeps me so busy, I doubt I’d have time for it, even with my role ending soon.”

“Role ending?” Phil furrows his brows, confused. “Are you quitting?”

“Well all roles have to come to an end and I’ve been playing Marius for god, two years now? Cast change is in June and that’s when I’ll be retiring from Les Mis, unfortunately.” He adds the last word as if it was an afterthought.

“Aw wow, you’re incredible though,” Phil says earnestly, a small smile tugging at his lips.

Dan can’t help but blush, he manages to cough out some sort of a thank you. “I’m not quitting theatre though, I have an audition in a few weeks.”

“So soon?”

“My agent’s doing, not me,” Dan holds up his hands in mock surrender.

“Well, whatever it is, I’m sure you’ll nail the audition.”

Dan swears he can feel his heart beating in his ears and a slight tingling in his stomach as he speaks, “thanks Phil.”

-

They must spend at least three hours in that small cafe, sipping on coffees, ordering more. It reminds Phil of their early days together in Manchester where they’d spend so much time in Starbucks that the employees would have to ask them to leave before closing up shop. There’s a part of Phil that wants to be back there, to have Dan’s head against his shoulder, to hold hands and not care, to be in love again. But he knows that things are still rocky and it’s best to rebuild what was left of them than to throw themselves into anything.

“That was really nice, thank you,” Dan says, stepping out of the cafe behind Phil and onto the busy London street.

“It was great to catch up with you,” Phil turns to face Dan.

“And you,” a smile curls across Dan’s lips.

“Well, I’ll see you soon.”

“You too, text me.” Phil points a finger.

“Wouldn’t forget it for the world.” Dan grins before giving a short wave and heading off on his way back home.

It’s slightly awkward goodbye but as Phil walks home, admiring the peach sunset painted across the sky, he can’t help but feel an inordinate sense of hope. They’re rebuilding, slowly but surely, brick by brick, something new is beginning and he’s liking the start of it.

_Sunday, May 18th 201_ 4

As the days pass and the weather becomes warmer, Dan and Phil speak more and more frequently, always texting or sending each other links to funny YouTube videos. They hang out at parks and coffee shops and at each other’s apartments, they play video games, watch movies, sometimes laughing and sometimes crying into tissues. In certain ways, it’s an indisputable sense of nostalgia for the both of them, messaging at every opportunity and seeing each other every once in a while, it’s just as it had been not too long ago.

Though now they aren’t hundreds of miles apart and Phil’s eternally grateful that they’re able to see each other fairly frequently. Dan’s theatre schedule makes it a bit tricky to coordinate but mornings are usually free so that’s when they spent most of their time together.

And every time they hang out together, Phil can’t help but feel like the missing puzzle piece from before had found it’s place again.

_Friday, May 23rd 2014_

Today they’re back at the cafe, sat across from each other like before. The early morning sun shines through the windows as they sip idly on their coffees, waiting for the caffeine to kick in.

“It’s too early,” Dan complains, setting his mug down on the table.

“It’s only 9 o’clock,” Phil remarks.

“I know but I was up so late last night practicing my lines that I’m not even sure what time I went to bed.” Dan sighs, the bags under his eyes are darker and more prominent and his hair’s a bit messier than usual, curls just starting to form.

“Dan… come on, you know you’ve got this in the bag, don’t stress yourself out too much.” Phil says with a reassuring smile.

“Yeah, just, I haven’t had an audition in years. It’s a bit nerve wracking,” he looks down sheepishly, his shoulders seeming to deplete a bit.

“It’s alright to have some nerves but, don’t over think it, if you’re confident in yourself then it’ll go well.”

“I am, but this is a big audition. This is Broadway, Phil.”

Phil’s heart sinks. “Broadway?” he asks, stunned. Did this fact somehow slip their routine conversations?

“Oh god, did I not tell you?” Dan eyes widen but he laughs under his breath. “It’s a production called Kinky Boots– weird title I know but really, it’s great and they’re about to start on Broadway and it turned out to be perfect timing for me, so my agent set up an audition.”

“Wow, New York, that’s, that’s different,” Phil’s struggles to find words, he’s still in shock.

“Yeah, sorry I guess I didn’t tell you, I’ve been so busy trying to process it all myself. I mean, New York is great and all but I’m not sure I’d want to live there for an extended period of time. But a job’s a job isn’t it?”

Phil nods in agreement though he’s still trying to process everything.

“When does production start?” Phil asks, though he’s not even sure if that’s the correct term for the theatre world.

“Well if I get the role, there’d be two months of rehearsals starting in August and then it’d premiere in November.”

August. It’s three months away but Dan’s just entering his life again and soon enough he’d be gone again. It isn’t as if Dan’s his, or whatever, but Phil still feels extremely let down. He knows it’s petty and stupid but knowing he could lose Dan worried him, he never wants that to happen again. He’d made that mistake once and he’d definitely learned his lesson.

“Anyway,” Dan changes the subject, noticing the silent tension between them. “So on Sunday, the Les Mis cast is having a bowling night and I was wondering, uh, would you like to come with us?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to intrude,” says Phil.

“Don’t worry about it, people bring their friends all the time.” Dan says, though that’s a big exaggeration. “And besides, I thought it might be nice, a chance of scenery or whatever.” Dan regards the coffee shop which they happen to spend a large amount of time in.

“Well, yeah then, that sounds like fun,” Phil can’t help but grin widely at the prospect of spending more time with Dan.

“Great,” Dan smiles back, “I’ll text you the details later.”

_Sunday, May 25th 2014_

The bowling alley’s a bit small, a bit run down, but it’s in a convenient spot being midway point between the Queen’s Theatre and Phil’s apartment.

The sky’s overcast and the weather forecast calls for a storm so it doesn’t surprise Phil when droplets of rain begin to fall. He makes a run for the building and quickly slips through the door.

He does a quick look over of the bowling alley once inside and at first, sees no one he recognizes. Without makeup and costume, everyone was unrecognizable. Then, he spots a flurry of big blond curls next to a vending machine, Carrie.

Through mumbles of apologies, Phil eases his way through the couple dozen people and makes his way to Carrie. He’s only met her a few times, at YouTube conventions or parties, but he figures it wouldn’t be out of place to go up and talk to her.

“Uh, hey Carrie.” Phil causes Carrie to turn her gaze from the vending machine to him, her face lights up.

“Phil!” she breaks out into a full-toothed grin and wraps him in a hug. They aren’t particularly close by any means but Phil just assumes it’s just part of her friendly nature. “Oh I’m so glad you’re here,” she says, pulling away.

“I’m glad to be here too, I haven’t been bowling in ages.” Phil honestly can’t remember the last time he’d been, maybe with friends in uni, maybe even back in the day with Dan after a drunken night, it’s all a bit hazy now.

“Oh don’t worry about that, I’m not very good myself, you’ll fight right in. Well, maybe not, Dan’s quite competitive.” Phil chuckles at that. “It’s a bit annoying sometimes if I’m honest,” she grumbles.

“Oh I know,” Phil smiles, reminded of times when Dan would throw ridiculous fits after losing a race on Mario Kart or when Phil would win a bet.

“Speaking of, where the hell is he?” Carrie turns her head to look around the bowling alley for Dan until her gaze stops, he’s headed right towards them.

Dan bears the biggest grin Phil thinks he's ever seen. ever seen, a dimple’s pressed deep into his cheek, eyes are filled with light.

“Phil!” He calls, opening his arms to initiate a hug which Phil gladly returns. He’s as warm and gentle as Phil had remembered.

As much as Phil would like to stay pressed to Dan’s chest for the rest of the night, a small cough from Carrie interrupts them.

“You two happy to stay like that for the rest of the night or are we going to get our game on?” She now has a can of Diet Coke in hand from the vending machine.

Dan blushes furiously and fixes his fringe nervously but he manages to let out a quip, “get our game on meaning, me and Anton kicking your ass again?”

Carrie rolls her eyes, “if calling it that helps you sleep at night, sure.”

Once Phil finds a suitable pair of bowling shoes, he, Dan and Carrie pick a lane, and start to set up their game.

“What do you want to be called?” Carrie asks Phil, staring down at the display monitor in front of her.

“Phil,” he responds.

“You can’t be called Phil, that’s boring,” Dan complains. “You are not being that boring person who goes by their own name.” He steps next to Carrie, looking at the monitor.

“See, we usually go by a nickname, or our character’s names,” Carrie explains, typing out Eponine for herself.

“Or you can go for something else,” Dan types out Yeezus for himself.

Carrie puts a hand to the bridge of her nose. “Dear god, not again.”

“Hey, it’s a fact of life that more people need to appreciate Kanye West,” Dan says accusingly.

Carrie’s about to object to Dan’s statement when someone from behind calls, “hey Yeezus!”

The three turn around, it’s a tall man with sandy blond hair pulled back into a ponytail and a five o'clock shadow.

“Hey Anton!” Dan smiles, turning to approach him and they exchange a quick hug.

“Hey Carrie,” he gives her a small nod of his head to which she returns a smile.

“And Anton this is Phil,” Dan cuts in before Anton has a chance to ask. “And Phil, this is Anton. He plays Enjolras.”

“Ohh the infamous Phil,” Anton holds out a hand,

Phil takes his hand and shakes it. “Can’t say I’ve heard of you but it’s nice to meet you.”

“Ha, well that’s a shocker because of heard loads about you.” Anton gives him a suggestive smirk.

Phil raises an eyebrow at Dan.

“You know, just how much of an asshole you are and stuff like that,” Dan stumbles over his words, coughing in the middle of his sentence.

“Sure thing, Dan,” Phil nods his head slowly, a sly grin spreading across his lips.

A blush paints Dan’s cheeks and he looks to the ground bashfully.

“So what’re the names?” Anton interrupts.

“Well I’m Yeezus, as always,” Dan raises a hand to his heart. “Carrie’s Eponine and Phil’s… he hasn’t decided yet.”

‘Hm, Dan, well if you’re being Kanye, then Phil could be Kim.” Anton suggests.

“Perfect!” Carrie shrills, punching in the name so that it’s displayed on the TV. “And you Anton?”

“Hm, I think I’ll just go with Anton,” he answers and Carrie nods, typing in his name.

Dan just barely shakes his head then turns to Phil, lowering his voice, “see, boring.”

-

10 rounds later of bickering and laughter later, Phil has the lead at 178 points. Dan’s close behind at 175, Anton at 152 and Carrie at 136.

“Who knew you were so good at bowling,” remarks Carrie.

“Not me,” Phil laughs, walking over to the group and sitting down in the seat next to Dan. “I haven’t played in years.”

“He says that,” Dan says, looking to Anton and Carrie. “But he’s secretly been practicing every day leading up to this.”

Phil mock-gasps, “you caught me.”

“You shouldn’t be doing this badly Dan,” Anton buts in, “we just went bowling last week with Zoe.”

“I’m losing by three points!” Dan objects, raising an arm to point at the TV screen.

“Three points too many,” Phil teases.

“Oh you’re on,” Dan stands abruptly, grabbing one of the bowling balls and heading over to their lane. He crouches down slightly, judging the best way to go about rolling the ball. He takes a breath and with a swing of the wrist, he sends the ball rolling to the end of the lane in a straight line. The ball hits in the middle, causing all the other pins to fall over like dominos.

The TV displays an animation of a strike with the word played over it. Then it switches to the screen showing their scores, Dan amasses ten more points. It’s the last round and Dan’s the last player to score so he won.

Dan raises his fists in the air and cheers, “woo!” He saunters back over to the group, “now that is how you win.”

Phil rolls his eyes and crosses his arms, but can’t help the smile tugging at his lips. “Alright, alright, good job.”

“Thank you,” Dan grins, enunciating each word carefully. “Drinks to celebrate?”

The group nods in agreement and so Dan heads off to the small bar to fetch them some drinks.

Anton turns immediately to Phil, “so you and Dan, are you two–.”

Carrie cuts him off with a smack on his arm, “Anton!” she scolds.

“What?” He turns to Carrie in mock offense.

“Ignore him Phil,” Carrie says.

“So are you and Dan together?” Anton finishes his initial question.

Carrie puts her head in her hands and lets out a groan, “dear god Anton.”

The question doesn’t catch Phil completely off guard. Years ago, when their relationship had started, there was always speculation about the flirty tweets and comments. They used to be much more overt about it but after their fanbases started to grow, the true nature of their relationship was constantly being speculated by thousands. It’s something they’d grown to deal with, it was what came with being YouTubers and best friends who lived together. And though the questions have all died down now, it was still slightly uncomfortable for Phil.

It isn’t as if he hasn’t pondered the idea of being a romantic relationship with Dan again, because, god, he has. Truthfully, he’s just scared. He’s scared that Dan doesn’t want to start that up again, he’s scared of rejection. Plus with the instability of Dan’s career, it gives Phil all the more of a reason not to want to rehash that.

Not to mention the public eye, if they get together again they’ll have Phil’s YouTube audience and Dan’s theatre audience watching, there’s no doubt that people will be looking at them from every angle.

When they were together, their audience was a large factor in deciding not to come out. They knew how messy and dramatic things could be when sharing relationships online. Not to mention, it would’ve made things even harder than they already were when they ended.

“Uh…” Phil chuckles awkwardly, thinking of something to say that can possibly begin to cover everything. He pauses for a while before speaking, “you know, there was a time where we were, but, not anymore.” It’s a simple response that doesn’t give too much away but it still feels strange to be so honest with someone who is essentially a stranger.

“Would you want to be though?” He asks sincerely. “Again, I mean.”

“Alright that’s enough,” Carrie interrupts, noticing the look of unease on Phil’s face. She gives him an apologetic smile then turns to Anton, lowering her voice. “Shut your mouth for once will you?”

“I have drinks!” a voice sing songs, Dan’s somehow managed to carry four cans of beer for all of them. “I wasn’t sure what you guys wanted so I got all of the same. So if it’s shit, we can experience it together.”

“How thoughtful of you,” Carrie says flatly, taking a can from one of Dan’s hands.

“Of course m’lady,” Dan mimes the tipping of a hat.

The group groans simultaneously but they end up laughing in unison.

-

A few more cans of beer later, Dan and Phil are sat side by side with their knees brushing and Dan’s arm over the back of Phil’s chair. They’re both nearing tipsiness, their minds are a bit hazy but they’re keeping up a conversation just the same.

Louise is throwing a party later that week to celebrate Phil’s achievement of getting a job at the BBC and in his drunkenness, Phil decides to invite Dan.

“So you’d really be up for that?” Phil asks, looking at Dan intently.

”Yeah, it’ll be good to see old friends again. Plus, any excuse to hang out with you is good.”

“Oh is it now?” Phil’s eyes widen in curiosity.

“Mmm yes, very good,” Dan rests a careful hand on Phil’s knee.

Phil chuckles softly, just barely a breath. “Okay.”

He’s about to speak, to bring up some some oddball topic but Dan’s hand is resting on his knee, and his eyes are looking at him so intensely that Phil swears he can make out every single fleck of brown. He can’t look away.

Even before Dan leans in, Phil knows what was about to happen. He knows Dan’s a lightweight but he didn’t realise he’d get this drunk and go so far as to try and kiss Phil. Though Phil does know that kissing Dan was out of the question. There’s a part of him that wants to give in, to pull Dan in by the collar of his shirt and kiss him breathless. But deep down, Phil knows this would end badly, everything’s too fragile and unstable, he doesn’t want to wreck everything that they’ve already rebuilt.

Phil puts a hand on Dan’s chest, distancing him. “Listen,” he can’t think of the right things to say without coming off as brash. “Dan, it’s just, I don’t know–,” he takes a deep breath, “if we should do that again,” he manages to get out.

Dan looks to the ground, taken aback, his shoulders curled inwards and his hands clasped together. “Right, um, sorry, I shouldn’t have.”

“It’s fine, I just don’t think it’s the right thing for us,” Phil places a hand on Dan’s shoulder comfortingly.

“Of course, sorry,” Dan apologizes. He then begins to stand up, “you know what, I should probably get going, it’s almost 11 and we have a show tomorrow and now one wants to be out in London at this hour.” He rushes.

Anton and Carrie left Dan and Phil alone about a half hour ago but people are definitely starting to clear out know.

“Yeah,” Phil gets to his feet, “I should get going too. Well it was really nice to hang out with you, even if you kicked my ass.”

Dan gives a weak smile, “yeah.”

“I’ll text you, about the party or whatever.”

“Sounds good,” Dan says  plainly.

Phil gives a small wave to Dan as he walks off, Dan doesn’t return it. Overall, it’s been a fairly nice night but the last moment with Dan makes Phil feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and sadness. He can’t help but feel like he’d just ruined a perfectly nice outing for the both of them.

__

_Wednesday, May 28th 2014_

Louise always knows how to make Phil feel better, whether it’s with a cup of tea or comforting words, they’ve always worked through problems together to come up with the best possible solution.

It’s a quiet afternoon and Phil’s sat next to Louise on her couch with a cup of Earl Grey. They talk quietly about the events that had transpired yesterday. In the meanwhile Louise’s daughter, Darcy plays quietly with her newest set of toys.

“But god, I fucked up so badly,” Phil says, staring blankly at his cup of tea.

“Phil, come on–,” she begins.

“He tried to kiss me Louise,” he hisses, “I– I don’t even know if I feel that way about him, not anymore.”

Louise snickers, “really? Because I find that hard to believe. You haven’t had a relationship that’s lasted longer than a month since you broke up with him.”

Phil glares at her but he knows that she’s right, during all his small flings and hookups but no one had ever fit quite like Dan had. He sets his cup of tea down on the coffee table then sinks back into the sofa and lets out a deep sigh of frustration.

“Oh, come on,” she wraps an arm around his shoulder, “what’s there to lose?”

Phil sat back up almost immediately, “everything.”

“Jesus, don’t be so dramatic,” she rolls her eyes.

“I’m serious, he had an audition– for Broadway.” Phil fiddles with his fingers nervously, his eyes casting towards the floor.

“Broadway?” Louise’s jaw drops, “I mean, that’s incredible but– so is he going to New York?”

“Well, I completely forgot to ask him how the audition went but if he makes it then he’s gone. His role as Marius ends in June, he’d be leaving in within the next few months for rehearsals.” He remarked solemnly. “And  now I have my job offer with the BBC, what’s the point in trying if we’re going to be separated again?”

Louise pulls him in closer to he “Oh Phil,” she sighs.

They sit in silence for a little bit, looking over to Darcy who’s completely immersed in her own little fantasy world. Phil wishes he could be that age again, without a single care or worry in the world.

She brings Phil away from her chest and looks him straight in the eyes. "They way I see it, you have two options here."

"Mmm?" Phil's curious as to what she's thinking.

"You can tell him you're not ready for that yet, talk about your concerns and maybe you two can figure things out when everything's a bit more stable. Or, you can be together for a couple months, try to make long distance work and who knows, things could work out horribly or they could be absolutely amazing."

Phil stays quiet, considering both options.

"I think you should talk to him," she rests a hand on Phil's knee. "Just because you two dated before doesn't mean you have to again but if it's something you want then I say go for it."

Louise clasps his hand, “Phil all I want is for you to be happy, and if this, will make you happy, even if it’s just for a small time, I will endure the months of heartbreak that come afterwards.”

“And who knows, maybe I won’t have to,” she finishes.

Time seems to drag on forever as he remains silent, figuring out what to say.

“I’ve missed him so much” he just barely whispers.

“I know, I know,” Louise thumbs through Phil’s hair gently.

"But I don't know if I want to go through that again, breaking up– you know, if that happens."

"It's a shitty situation I can tell you that," Louise huffs, "but ultimately it's your decision and if that means rejecting Dan then so be it."

He disentangles himself from Louise’s arms, sitting up properly. “Thank you so much. I have no idea what I'd ever do without you."

Louise smiles sincerely, “aw Phil, you’re going to make me cry, you sap.” She definitely isn’t lying as Phil can see the watery glint in her eyes as she pulls him in for a hug.

A small tap on Phil’s shoulder causes them to pull away, Darcy was stands right next to Phil, her eyes wide and expectant and staring right at him.

She looks to the ground bashfully before speaking, “Uncle Phil, will you play dollies with me?”

“Aw Darcy,” Louise cooes. “Now I’m really going to cry.”

With her blond curls, sweet smile and bright blue eyes, Phil swears his heart could melt right then and there. He gives Darcy the kindest smile he can muster and answers, “of course.”

So he goes off and plays with Darcy and her dolls while Louise watches them. Phil swears he can see her talking photos out of his peripheral vision. He's really taken the kind words that Louise has given him to heart, they keep replaying over and over in his head. He knows he has to talk to Dan, and that’s exactly what he's going to do.

_Saturday, May 31st 2014_

Phil texts Dan immediately after arriving home from Louise’s house. He’s trying to make it as casual as possible, asking Dan if he wants to meet at their usual hangout spot, the coffee shop. Luckily, Dan has a day off, so he says of course with about a half a dozen exclamation marks.

And although Dan has happily agreed to going out, their messages over the past few days have been distant, less frequent, less enthusiastic. Phil still feels guilty for rejecting him, he wants to be with Dan, he really does, but he’s afraid to mess things up again. It happened once but now he’s sure to never let that happen again.

Phil hopes Dan hasn’t dwelled on the encounter too much but knowing Dan, he’s probably been stressing over it for days so Phil knows he has to speak to him.

Phil arrives at the coffee shop a bit earlier than expected so he decides to order their drinks in advance. He thinks that maybe having a drink ready for Dan will help with his apologies. Besides, it’s always the usual, caramel macchiatos.

After a short two minutes, the barista calls his name and he goes up to the counter to fetch the drinks.

“For you and your boyfriend?” She asks with a smile, clearly noticing Dan and Phil’s frequent coffee shop visits.

Phil blushes but manages to let out a small laugh, “he’s not my–.”

“Oh I’m sorry,” she interrupts, “you two always look so happy to be around each other I just thought…”

“It’s okay,” Phil gives a smile, taking one drink in either and heads over to their usual table.

He doesn’t stop thinking about the comment from the barista until Dan arrives.

-

Dan's very much appreciates the pre-ordered coffee when he arrives a minute or so later. They talk regularly for a bit and to Phil’s relief, everything feels relaxed and normal.

As Dan’s going on about some movie coming out next week, Phil’s phone buzzes. He apologizes, before checking who it is. He feels the need to always check, just in the case that it could be someone important from the BBC.

But it’s only Louise. She’s sent a text reminding Phil of the party she’s throwing for him tonight.

“It’s Louise,” Phil says.

“Oh,” says Dan simply.

“She’s throwing a party for me. New job with the BBC and what not. I invited you on Sunday but I forgot to ask– you still up for going?”  

Dan smiles, “of course.”

Phil returns the smile, “great. Everyone will be really excited to see you again.”

“Didn’t realise I was such a big deal.”

“Of course you are Mr. West End Actor,” Phil teases.

“Right,” Dan blushes, laughing.

There’s a pause, Dan just barely opens his mouth, as if he’s about to say something. He closes it again.

Phil knows he has to bring it up sometime, somehow, so he musters up all of his courage and  looks to Dan. “Listen, about the other night… “ he doesn’t know how to finish so he settles for “I think we should talk.”

Dan meets his eyes hesitantly and gives him a nod. “Yeah, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have done that, I haven’t done anything with anyone in so long and I don’t know, I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m really, really sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Phil’s about to place a hand on top of Dan’s free one but his heart is beating out of his chest, he can’t get himself to do it. “I just wanted to say– I wanted to ask–.” He doesn’t finish, takes a breath, staring intently at his coffee, anything to avoid eye contact with Dan. “I was wondering, if you wanted to try this again–us again. I know we haven’t been in contact again for very long but this past month with you has made me happier than my entire three years without you, so I want to know–.” Phil’s flushed red by now, and he’s beginning to sweat. His reaction is a bit ridiculous and uncalled for but he hasn’t felt this nervous in a long time.

“Yes, Phil,” Dan cuts him off before he’s able to figure out what to say.

“Are you serious?” Phil looks at Dan, a grin is beginning to spread across his face.

Dan is smiling too now, “of course, why’d you think I tried to kiss you?”

Phil laughs, it echoes around the room before silence falls between them.

“There is something though…” Dan begins.

Phil’s heart clenches, he knows what’s coming. He’d forgot to ask Dan.

“I got the role,” he doesn’t quite meet Phil’s eyes. “So sometime in the end of August, I’ll be off to New York.”

“Oh my gosh Dan, that’s amazing, congratulations.”

“Thank you,” Dan’s even more flushed than before. “I just want to know that you’re serious about this. Because committing to this means long distance and I know we have the money to visit each other now but, New York is far and– fuck I want this to work. I don’t want to screw things up again.” Dan looks down guiltily.

“Hey,” Phil reaches out his hand and places it on top of Dan’s. “That was both of our faults. We both fucked up, we didn’t listen to each other, we didn’t consider each other’s feelings. But I don’t want to make those mistakes again, I really want this Dan. I want to be with you, I want everything.”

Dan’s smile is brighter than the sun. “You’re sure?”

“The time difference isn’t ideal but I promise I’ll still talk for hours on skype and text you all the time. I’ll do everything, Dan. I’ve never been more sure of anything.”

Dan clasps Phil’s hand in his own and gives it a light squeeze, “so we’re really doing this?”

“Yes, of course. Promise.”

“Pinky promise?” Dan pulls his hand away from Phil’s and holds out his pinky instead.

Phil can’t help but roll his eyes at the absolute cheesiness of this but, he links their pinkies together. “Pinky promise.”

They stay with their pinkies linked and biggest smiles plastered across their faces until they’re both finished and head back to Phil’s apartment.

-

At half past eight, after an exhausting tube journey, Dan and Phil are stood outside Louise’s house. It’s a small brick house with green vines hugging the frame and a small garden out front, flowers just starting to bloom.

Louise opens the door seconds after the doorbell Phil rings the doorbell, almost as if she’d been waiting but he doesn’t question it.

“Oh it’s so nice to see you too!” She squeezes Phil into a hug as if the last time she’d seen him was three months ago instead of three days.

She opens her arms to Dan who returns the hug, albeit, fairly awkwardly but they have only met once before.

“Well everyone’s in the living room, so come on in!” She moves back a few steps to let Dan and Phil in. “Darcy and Matt are at Matt’s parents tonight so we have the house all to ourselves.”

Chris appears suddenly behind her, “do my eyes deceive me? Is that Dan Howell?”

“Hi,” Dan says meekly.

“Holy shit, it’s been ages, how’ve you been?”

“I’m great,” Dan replies, subconsciously looking to Phil.

“Well, it’s great to see you,” Chris claps Dan on the shoulder and guides him further down the hallway.

Louise and Phil follow in suit. The living room is fairly small but the plush couches, the soft pillows and fireplace in the corner make it the absolute coziest. Phil can hear music playing, it’s not booming but it’s loud enough for him to feel the vibrations through his toes.

Dan and Phil seem to be the last to arrive. PJ, Sofie and Wirrow are sat on the sofas sipping on beers and chatting. Hazel and Bryony are full of laughter, looking at something on Hazel’s phone. Jack and Tom are fiddling with the TV, it looks as if they’re trying to set up a game of some sort. It’s not a huge group by normal party standards but in Louise’s tiny living room, it feels a bit cramped.

Phil’s welcomed by the other guests with warm hugs– and a kiss on the cheek from Hazel in particular. Just as he’s about to turn to Dan, about to wonder why no one is reacting to the sight of their friend whom they haven’t seen in years, Chris enters the living room, clearing his throat loudly, everyone turns their attention towards him.

“Tonight, we have a surprise special guest joining us!” Phil is seriously questioning whether or not Chris is already drunk. “Who  didn’t know would be joining us until now, thanks Louise,” he adds. She shoots him a wink.

“Please give a warm welcome for Dan!” He moves away for Dan to enter.

Dan steps through the doorway carefully and a gives small wave, “hi.”

Jaws drop. Eyes widen. It’s a complete shock.

“Surprise?” Louise offers.

“Oh my god,” Bryony exclaims, making her way over to Dan to wrap him in a hug. “It’s been way too long.”

After hugs and greetings from everyone, they settle into place while making conversation. Dan and Phil are pressed side by side on one of the sofas.

“So what’s it like being a star?” Tom asks mockingly.

“I wouldn’t call myself a star–,” Dan starts.

“Oh come on, I see your face on posters in the underground twice a day, you’re fucking everywhere.”

“Well, it’s nice I guess. I’m able to do what I’ve always wanted to. Which sounds cheesy as hell but it’s true.” Dan responds honestly.

“You never planned on doing YouTube? As a career I mean.” asks Jack, he hasn’t met him until now.

All the questions are beginning to feel like an interrogation but Dan answers regardless, “does anyone really plan on doing YouTube full time? I mean, it’s just something that happens really.”

“God if I’d told my past self that I’d be sitting in front of a camera talking to people online for a living I think that a very different job would’ve come to mind,” says Louise.

Everyone laughs and smiles are spread throughout the room. It’s been years since Dan has seen most of these people, some, he hasn’t even met but he feels more at home than he has in a long time.

-

No one questions Dan’s hand on Phil’s knee a few hours later. Either no one has noticed or no one cares. Phil thinks it’s the latter,no one would be surprised if they announced that they were together again but no one has asked.

They’re all sat in somewhat of a circle, some people on couches, some on the ground. They’ve gone around telling embarrassing childhood stories, recounting memories they’ve shared together and filling each other in on upcoming projects that each of them are working on.

When Hazel finishes sharing her story of how she peed her pants in front of her entire P.E class, Louise speaks up.

“There’s a reason I threw this party,” Louise starts, standing to go over to grab a bottle of champagne from a table behind her. She leans into Hazel and whispers something in her ear, Hazel exits the living room, probably off to find champagne glasses.

“And that is to congratulate Phil on getting his own BBC Radio 1 show!” She exclaims, cheeks rosy as a side effect of the alcohol and from laughing to much.

Phil’s about to protest that all of this, while it is completely touching is completely unnecessary but Louise’s grinning so widely and Hazel returns, glasses in hand and sets them down on the coffee table.

“Lucky bastard,” mumbles Jack jokingly. “I didn’t even get something like this on my birthday.”

“Oh don’t complain Jack, I got you something for your birthday.”

“My birthday’s next week.”

“Well, I’ll get you something. Stop being such a spoilsport,” Louise is mildly annoyed, she can never stay too mad at Jack though. “Anything you’d like to say Phil?”

“Anyone you’d like to thank?” Chris shoots him a wink.

“Oooh yes, a speech!” exclaims Bryony.

Dan smiles at him, he looks like he’s holding back some laughter. Phil thinks he’s already fairly intoxicated.

“God, I didn’t think this would be so official,” he chuckles, “but uh, I thank you guys I guess. Thanks for being my friends and thanks for being supportive. Without you I wouldn’t be the person I am today.”

“Aw, Phil you sap,” Hazel says.

Dan squeezes his knee.

Phil’s turns to him and he’s grinning so widely that his eyes are creased and his cheeks hurt. He doesn’t look away until Louise pops open the bottle of champagne. It opens with a loud pop and a burst of champagne that happens to spray all over Dan.

“Oh gosh I’m so sorry,” Louise claps her hand over her mouth with one hand and holds the bottle of champagne with the other.

The group laughs Dan, champagne dripping down his hair, his face and wetting the front of his shirt.

Dan laughs too, cheeks painted with a blush. “It’s nothing to worry about.”

“Oh I feel horrible,” Louise starts to exist the living room, “come, I’ll get you a cloth.”

As soon as Dan leaves the room, Chris turns on him, “so what’s the situation with you two?”

“What’d you mean?” Phil asks, faking naivety. He and Dan have just started their relationship again, they haven’t gone as far as to discuss coming out yet to people yet.

“Oh come on Phil, you two dated before, are you rekindling the old flame?”

Phil doesn’t know how to answer but Bryony speaks before he can even think of an answer. He silently thanks her. “Oh let it be Chris, it doesn’t matter.”

The two bicker for a bit while the others pour champagne for themselves. Louise returns a few moments later and the group decides to start a game of charades.

Phil wonders what Dan’s up to so he slips away to the kitchen, making an excuse about having to use the bathroom.

He enters the kitchen it’s small and almost everything in it is white. Phil isn’t sure how Louise manages to keep in clean, especially with Darcy on her hands.

Dan’s not there, but Phil spots him through the glass door heading to Louise’s backyard. He’s sat on the top step of the deck stairs, staring up into the night sky. His head flicks to Phil as he opens the door to the backyard.

“Everything alright?” Phil asks, making his way to sit right next to Dan.

“Yeah, just got off the phone with my agent actually,” says Dan.

“What’d they say?” Phil would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous to hear Dan’s response.

“She just told me that rehearsals start September 4th. So, I’ll be leaving ‘round August 28th.”

“Oh,” Phil says simply.

“I just wish I didn’t have to leave. Not so soon at least.” Dan curls into Phil, placing his head on Phil’s shoulder.

“We have three months, we’ll be okay,” Phil runs his hand over Dan’s back comfortingly.

Dan sighs then presses his lips to Phil’s. They’re both drunk so it’s a little clumsy with the two of them sitting down and noses bumping slightly when they kiss. Dan’s lips are chapped and they taste sweet from the remains alcohol.

Phil cups either side of Dan’s face with his hands, deepening the kiss. Dan’s eyelashes flutter against Phil’s cheek unintentionally but it’s nice and it makes Phil smile, almost breaking the kiss.

Phil thinks then that it’s so nice to be this close to someone again. To kiss them, to hold them, to know that you’re wanted. It’s so nice to have Dan again because he’s all he’s ever wanted.

“Phil?” Dan says quickly once they’ve pulled away, his head back on Phil’s shoulder.

“Hmm?” Phil hums.

“I really like you.” The alcohol had a bigger affect on Dan than Phil had thought.

Phil laughs and it’s hard to tell if he’s blushing with the dark surrounding them. “You’re an idiot.” He kisses Phil again.

Just then, Chris opens the door to the backyard.

“I knew it!” he exclaims and they split apart, wide eyes filled with surprise and confusion.

“Oh god,” Phil buries his face in his hands.

He can't even say anything to Chris before he's in the house again and shouting, "I just caught Dan and Phil snogging!" And, "PJ, you owe me 10 pounds!"

It's not how Phil imagined they'd announce their relationship to his closest group of friends but he supposes that now that it's over, he doesn't have to worry.

_Thursday, June 19th 2014_

Their past few weeks together have fallen into a sort of routine. Phil often goes to watch Dan’s performances in the evenings, Dan sometimes manages to sneak him backstage but he usually ends up buying whatever tickets remain. Phil’s eyes stay glued to Dan on stage, he’s marveled by the way he performs, every action deliberate and meaningful.

When the shows are over, gives him congratulatory kisses and they return to Phil’s flat as it’s closer to the theatre, and the bed is bigger. Fitting the two of them in a double bed is challenging, as proved last week when they tried to stay over at Dan’s for a change.

They lay in bed together, sometimes sleeping, sometimes doing more. And in the morning, they wake together and eat breakfast side by side. It’s comforting,  it’s relaxing and it’s downright domestic but Phil isn’t complaining. It’s nice to spend all your time with someone after being alone for so long and spending all this time with Dan fills up for their lost years.

Now that he’s back with Dan, he can’t imagine letting him go again. He’s not sure how he even managed to do so the first time around.

Phil knows that long distance is inevitable for them so he tries not to worry, instead he focuses on the present. The cuddling in bed with Dan, the long, slow kisses, the walks through parks and trips into town. It’s nothing fancy or extravagant but it’s Dan and that’s all he needs.

-

Today is Dan’s last performance in Les Mis. After two years of constant shows and rehearsals, it’s finally over. The show doesn’t start until 7:30 so for now, he and Phil lie in bed, legs tangled. Dan has his hand wrapped around Phil’s waist comfortingly, his head resting on Phil’s shoulder. They’re both awake though none of them make any efforts to move.

“Morning,” Dan presses a kiss to the underside of Phil’s jaw.

“Hey,” Phil shifts so that he’s facing Dan. He intertwines their hands, thumb gently running over Dan’s palm. Dan curls into Phil, his head tucked neatly in the crook of Phil’s neck.

“Can we just stay in bed all day?” he complains.

“While that’d be lovely, today is a very important day. For you, at least.”

“I know, but I’m tired,” Dan whines, letting out a huff.

“Well, we were pretty busy last night,” Phil says wittily.

Dan groans, then kicks him in the shin.

“Ow,” Phil exclaims, “what was that for?”

“It’s too early for that,” Dan stretches on to his back, letting go of Phil’s hand. He sits up reluctantly, “I’m going to take a shower.”

As Dan saunters off, Phil calls behind him, “nice ass!”

Dan gives him the finger.

-

Phil’s gotten lucky this time and Dan’s able to sneak him backstage, it means he’ll miss the show but Phil’s seen Les Mis more times than any normal person should in the span of three weeks. He has some of the script memorized by now.

When the show’s over, people flock to Dan like a moth to a flame. They wrap him in hugs and share memories of the time they’ve spent together over the past two years. It’s all very sweet and quiet until Anton shows up and demands for everyone’s attention.

“Dan’s prepared a speech about his departure,” says Anton, addressing the group of a dozen people in the close vicinity. Then, he shoots Dan a smirk.

Dan glares at him and is about to tell him off when he notices that all eyes are on him.  “Well, I don’t actually have anything prepared but being in Les Mis these past two years has been a dream come true for me. Performing has always been a dream of mine and now, here I am, finally doing what I’ve always loved.” He pauses, takes a small breath. “And I can happily say that I am moving on to something new. In September, I start rehearsals for Kinky Boots on Broadway.”

A chain reaction cries of victory cries and applause are spread throughout the crowd after Anton shouts an excited, “Woo!” Dan can’t help but grin embarrassingly widely at the joyful, supportive reaction.

They quiet down shortly and Dan continues. “I just want to thank you all for all the endless love and support that I’ve received over the past two years. This show means everything to me and without it, I would have met, or reconnected with, the most important people in my life. So thank you all.” He’s flushed and teary eyed at the end, emotions overtaking him. Carrie is first to wrap him in a hug, then Anton joins for a group hug. Then one by one cast members join together to wrap Dan in one big group hug.

Phil stands off to the side but his mind still thinks of what Dan said just a few moments before. _Reconnect with the most important people in my life._ He means Phil. Phil thinks he feels his heart flip over.

Cast members begin to disperse as they say their last goodbyes to Dan. Carrie says goodbye by telling him that they need to hang sometime next week, which of course, they will.

Phil embraces Dan once everyone has left. It’s warm and intimate, each part of their bodies are flush against each other.

Dan kisses Phil’s cheek, whispers in his ear. “Come, let’s go to my dressing room.”

It’s a shared dressing room, but it seems as if Dan is the last one to get dressed and cleaned up, so they have it all to themselves. Dan locks the door behind them, just to prevent anyone from walking in on any possible making out that may occur.

Phil sits on one of the chairs while Dan removes his makeup and costume. He looks around the room, taking in the stacks of what seems like thousands of different types of hair products and makeup. He couldn’t name more than a few of them to save his life but Dan knows how to use and remove them all expertly.

“I can’t believe this is it,” Dan says suddenly once he’s changed back into his regular clothing.

Phil stands and walks over to him, he laces both his hands with both of Dan’s. He doesn’t say anything but he hopes Dan takes it as him being sympathetic and lending an open ear.

“I’ve been doing this everyday for two years and now it’s over. I don’t know what I’m going to do for the two months off.” says Dan.

Phil rests a hand on Dan’s side, plays with the material of Dan’s shirt. “Well, I’m sure there are many things we can do to keep you busy.”

“Hmm, really?” Dan asks, feigning confusion. “Like what?” He leans his head in closer to Phil’s, beginning to initiate the next move.

“This,” Phil whispers before leaning in even more, closing the gap between them and pressing his lips on Dan’s. It’s soft and slow, almost painfully so.

Dan places either hand on Phil’s waist, drawing him in closer and deepening the kiss with fervour. Phil ruffles his hands through Dan’s hair and Dan pulling at Phil’s shirt.

Phil presses Dan up against the dressing room counter and starts to plant kisses on Dan’s neck. He’s always known it to be one of his sensitive spots, Dan elicits a small moan.

In a weak attempt to stop Phil, Dan places his hands on Phil’s chest. “This might not be the best place to do this.”

“The door’s locked,” says Phil. “And, are you sure you even want to wait?” he eyes the already noticeable bulge in Dan’s jeans. Phil swears he’s still a horny teenager.

“Fuck off,” Dan looks away, turning slightly red.

“Alright then I guess we can just leave–”

Dan cuts Phil off, pulls him by the collar of his button up shirt and kisses him once again. He locks his hands around Phil’s neck as Phil begins to palm him through his jeans.

“Fuck,” he groans.

“This is okay?” Phil asks.

“Yes, yes, it’s fine,” Dan hurries.

With his permission, Phil slips his hand down Dan’s pants and grabs hold of his cock, beginning to stroke it slowly.

Dan rests his head in the crook of Phil’s neck, letting out quiet moans and breaths as Phil goes along.

“Could I– Would it be alright if I sucked you off?” Phil whispers cautiously.

“God, yes, of course,” Dan answers adamantly.

And with that, Phil pulls Dan’s jeans down further. Dan adjusts himself so that he’s sitting on the dressing room table, knocking over some make up as he does so. Phil places his lips on Dan’s cock and beings to work his mouth around it.

It’s a haze of pleasure from then on in, with Phil expertly working his lips and Dan moaning as quietly as possible for not to bring attention to them. Dan grabs onto Phil’s hand as he reaches climax, the sensation overcoming him.

“I’m so proud of you,” Phil stands level with Dan and caresses his cheek.

“Thank you,” Dan murmurs breathily. He kisses Phil gently, sweetly.

The aftermath is a little messy but nothing that can’t be cleaned up with a few tissues. Once they’re all cleaned up, Dan does one last check around the room to make sure he’s gotten everything.

“So this is it,” says Dan. “It’s over.”

Phil notices Dan’s dejected expression and grabs hold of his hand. “Don’t be so dramatic. There’s still so much in store for you. This is just the beginning, I know it.”

Dan pulls Phil into an unexpected hug, their hands wrap around each other's waists instinctively. “I really, really, really, like you.”

“There’s another word for that you know,” Phil teases.

“I know, I don’t know if I’m ready to say that yet. But– I do know that you mean so much to me.”

“You too.” Phil says. They know what each other means so it’s close enough to I love you for the both of them.

They embrace for a few moments until Phil pulls away, “ready to go?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be,” Dan replies.

And with that, they leave the theatre and head back home.

_Thursday, July 31st 2014_

A month together has been so incredibly lovely. It’s been a month filled with endless laughter, constant time spent together and smiles all around. Spending time together feels like second nature. It’s never tense or awkward, there’s always conversation and banter between the two of them.

Now that Dan’s off work there’s a lot more time available for them to spend together. They visit museums and parks and art galleries, they do all the touristy things they never had the chance to due to their busy working schedules. But now they do, they get to spend that time together, they each get to spend it with the person they care about most.

And they care about each other, they really do. Through all their history, from the good and bad all they way until now, they’ve always cared about each other. Even if it’s not always realised and even if it’s not always vocalized.

They haven’t gone so far as to say I love you yet but it’s been implied. Through gentle kisses and nights spent together in bed, through simple gestures and phrases. They both know, though neither of them will come forth and say it.

A month together has been so incredibly lovely that Phil doesn’t want it to end. He knows that Dan leaving is inevitable but he can’t help but want to stop him. Having Dan back in his life may be the best thing that’s happened to Phil in the past three years without him. He’s been so much happier and he can’t fathom letting go of him again. They’re been through so much together, they’ve done so much to try and maintain this relationship. Phil doesn’t want that to go to waste once Dan leaves for New York.

Long distance is an option but Phil finds that works best when you can visit each other on a regular basis, like he and Dan had when they first met. They had only been a few hundred miles apart so visits were frequent even if train journeys were a bit lengthy. But New York is a different story, it’s thousands miles away, an ocean away, a completely different continent. And though Phil truts Dan wholeheartedly, he fears a possible disconnect between them once Dan leaves.

And that scares Phil, it would tear him apart, so decides he needs to do something. He schedules a meeting with the BBC.

_Monday, August 18th, 2014_

“Is Phil Lester there?”

“No, he’s out at the moment but I can take a message.”

“We’d like to talk to him further about the cancellation of his show, so if he could please call us back to set up a meeting that’d be great. Thank you.”

“It’s no trouble, goodbye.” Dan hangs up.

-

Phil never expected the BBC to call his house afterwards. But they do, and he isn’t the one answering the phone they do. It’s Dan who answers, and when Phil returns back to his flat with groceries he finds Dan sitting on his sofa and he’s beyond angry.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Dan asks, he’s clearly angry from the furrowed brows and lips set in a hard line.

“I was going to Dan, really.” Phil pleads.

“Why would you even think give up such an amazing career opportunity for me?” Dan tries to reach out a hand and place it on Phil’s shoulder but Phil moves away.

“Because you didn’t Dan,” he snaps, “and look what happened to us. Everything ended. The day you left, I thought I’d never be the same again. It took me so long to get over– to get over us. And now you’re telling me to go accept an unknowing career in the chance of losing you again, after all we’ve been through? After patching all this up again? I'm not risking it."

"And what would you do instead, come to New York with me?" Dan questions, his voice cold.

"No, yes, maybe? I don't know." Phil mutters, putting his head in the palms of his hands.

"Well you can't make decisions like that without me."

"I know, I'm sorry. I just–." Phil doesn't finish. There's a pause.

Dan gives a dry laugh. "This is a totally, horrible, shitty situation but Phil, you can’t give this up, not because of me."

“This is my decision Dan, not yours,” Phil’s gaze is unwavering.

“What’ve I hadn’t taken my job Phil?" Dan asks rhetorically. "What would I be doing now? Getting a fucking law degree? Because I took this opportunity, I now have my dream job Phil. This is everything that I’ve ever wanted.”

“But I’ve never dreamed about being a radio DJ, this is never something that I’ve wanted, it was offered to me. There are so many more people who deserve this more than I do.”

“Is that really what you think?” Dan asks sympathetically. “That you shouldn’t do this because you’re not good enough?”

Phil shrugs his shoulders, “maybe partially, but–.”

“Phil, listen to me. When I got my role on the West End, I had no professional training to be an actor. And that made me so self conscious. I was in a cast filled with extremely talented actors, all of whom had graduated from prestigious art schools. Most of them had special qualifications or a fancy degree but at the end of the day I realized that it didn’t matter, we were all doing the same thing and we all loved it."

“I don’t want you to not take this because you don’t think you’re good enough, the BBC obviously sees potential in you.” Dan takes Phil’s hand in his own. “You’re funny Phil, you’re charming and charismatic and upbeat, you’re everything they need in a radio host. And you know maybe, the situation isn’t ideal but, please, I don’t want you to miss out on something big. Because of me. Especially not because of me.”

Phil sits there stunned for a moment, processing all of what Dan’s just said. “Thank you,” he manages to get out. “I’ll talk to the BBC, see what we can do. I just don’t want to lose you again.”

“And you won’t, I promise. I love you.” Finally. He’s said it.

Phil brings his hand up to Dan’s cheek and pulls him in for a kiss, deep and slow. He smiles, “I love you too.”

_Thursday, August 28th 2014_

Phil’s been having constant meetings with the BBC, in and out of the studios, talking to producers and executives, all people who are much more important than him. The BBC really wants him to have a show because of the audience he’d bring in and Phil really wants to have a show because it would definitely be the biggest accomplishment of his career so far.

Somehow, they’ve managed to work out a solution. Phil will host the radio show the first Monday of each month but every other week it’ll be hosted by another Youtuber. Having different Youtubers host the radio show allows them to bring in a variety of audiences. In the end, the BBC is very happy with their agreement and Phil has to sign what seems like hundreds of different papers.

He’s so happy and grateful for this arrangement because it means he’ll be able to stay with Dan. Tickets back to London each month will be expensive but the extra pay he’s getting because of the radio show will cover it. Besides, it’s worth it for Dan.

–

“Where the hell are you?” Dan asks through the phone. “You tell me to meet you at King’s Cross this afternoon and you’re not even here yet.”

“I’m coming, almost there. Promise,” Phil picks up his pace as much as possible without running, weaving through the busy London streets.

When Phil arrives at the train station, he spots Dan immediately, eyes glued to his phone, waiting for some sort of contact from Phil.

Phil walks up behind Dan, his arms sliding around Dan’s waist. Dan jumps and whips his head around.

“Jesus you scared me,” he turns around to face Phil.

Phil shrugs simply, “you were the one distracted by your phone. I bet that someone could’ve pick pocketed you and you wouldn’t even have noticed.”

“Yes I would’ve,” Dan says, crossing his arms defensively.

“Mhmm,” Phil nods, disbelieving.

“Anyway,” Dan changes the subject, “what’re we doing here?”

Phil reaches into his back pocket. “Since Sunday’s your last day, I decided that we should take a trip, do something special. So–,” he pulls out the train tickets and hands them over to Dan.

Dan looks at them, eyes doing a quick onceover, then he looks back up to Phil, eyes wide. “Are you–, I–, Phil. Oh my god Phil, you literally the most sentimental, sappy person I’ve ever been with.”

“I’m the only person you’ve ever been with.” Phil teases, though it’s true, neither of them had a serious relationship while separate.  

“Are you complaining?” Dan asks.

“No, no, not at all,” he grins slyly.

Dan’s about to speak but an announcement from the overhead speaker interrupts him. “Train 201 to Manchester Piccadilly will be departing from platform 3 in 15 minutes.”

Phil takes Dan’s arm, “come on, let’s go find the train.”

-

Halfway through the journey Phil realises that a surprise trip maybe wasn’t the brightest idea as he and Dan only have their wallets and cellphones. He supposes that’s all they need really but bringing a phone charger might’ve been a smart move.

Thankfully, Dan has earphones so they each take a bud and listen contently, well mostly, there’s some argument over the music choice. Dan wanting to go for something heavier whilst Phil’d prefer to listen to a movie soundtrack.

They eventually settle for Muse, their favourite. Phil hasn’t listened to them in a little while but their music, as always, is incredibly and for Phil, it’s  incredibly nostalgic. It reminds him of how they filled up an entire Skype session discussing the Resistance after it was released. Of the concert they went together, of the times they’d let Absolution play while having sex, of how the band helped their relationship to flourish.

He rests his head on Dan’s shoulder as Falling Away With You comes on shuffle. He realises then that he has to tell Dan about his radio show but before he knows it, he’s drifting off to sleep.

-

The sun’s beginning to set when they enter the SkyBar that night for dinner, painting the city sky in hues of peach and tangerine. Dan can’t stop gushing over how much he appreciates how nostalgic and sentimental Phil is.

“I can’t believe you–, how did you–,” Dan can’t even finish his sentences. They’ve sat down at the dinner table and Dan’s looking around like an excited child in a candy shop. “God, it looks exactly the same. How long have you been planning this?”

“A little over a week maybe? I don’t know I wanted to do something special for you before you left,” Phil looks down sheepishly, his fingers fiddling with the table cloth.

Dan looks to Phil with the utmost sincerity and Phil thinks he’s about to cry. He manages to choke out a “thank you,” instead.

“Of course,” Phil smiles at Dan, pink tinging his cheeks. He pauses for a moment, changing topic, “speaking of leaving, I had a meeting with the BBC today.”

Dan directs all his attention to Phil, his eyes questioning and curious, his posture tense. “And…?” his voice wavers a bit nervously as he asks.

“Well we figured things out and– if you’ll let me, I’ll be able to move in with you. You know if you want that.”

Dan chuckles, “of course I do but–.”

“Don’t worry, I still have the show but it’ll be once a month for me instead of every week.”

“And how will that work?” Dan’s clearly confused.

“Well I was thinking that I could fly over once a month, it’ll be shit but it’d be a chance for me to visit my family and with the extra pay, I’ll be able to afford it.”

“And you’re sure you to do this? Living in New York will be small and cramped and– this is a huge decision Phil.”

“I realise that and you know maybe this will end horribly and we’ll end up hating each other for the rest of time but for right now, I’m not risking losing you again. If this is what it will take, I’ll do it, for you.”

“Phil, you’re the most chivalrous idiot I’ve ever met but I love you. I really– I don’t know if I ever stopped.” Dan says earnestly.

“Me neither,” Phil laughs, “and I don’t want to stop.”

Dan gives Phil the biggest smile possible and he looks ridiculous but he can’t help it. He’s so happy and thankful to have Phil in his life again. To have someone who loves him so much and who cares for him so much.

Their champagne arrives a little while later, it’s a fancy kind that Dan doesn’t recognize and that Phil has somehow managed to ask for in advance. The waitress pops it open and they shoot each other a smile, eyes filled with adoration. When she’s finished pouring the champagne they thank her and she leaves them be.

Phil takes a glass first. Dan follows.

“To us, and to new beginnings,” Phil holds out his glass.

Dan clinks his glass with Phil’s, “to us.”

 


	3. Begin Again - Part Three (Epilogue)

_Sunday, June 7th 2015_

Needless to say, the past year has been a complete whirlwind for Phil. It’s been an absolutely crazy, hectic year but it’s a life changing one too and Phil’s the happiest that he’s ever been.

He moved to New York about a month after Dan, after he’d packed up his apartment and sorted out various payments and said goodbye to his family and friends - a few of whom questioned his sudden and rash decision to move halfway across the country to be with his boyfriend - but in his gut, Phil had felt it was the right thing to do and he’d never been more right.

In just a year, his life has completely changed, and for the better. He now has a radio show on BBC Radio 1, which is much more legitimate than making videos, though he still continues to make them and he loves doing so. He now lives in a city he loves with the one person he loves most in the whole world. He can’t think of anything else that’d make him happier - except maybe a dog, he’ll have to ask Dan if the landlord will allow them.

Dan’s been extremely happy as well. He now stars in _Kinky Boots_ as one of the main characters, Charlie. Phil goes to as many of Dan’s performances as possible, usually hanging out backstage, mostly because he’s seen the show at least seventy five times now.

He loves seeing Dan perform, he becomes someone else entirely: he develops their attitudes and beliefs and personality completely. Phil thinks it’s phenomenal, and apparently a whole lot of other people do too, because tonight is the Tony Awards and Dan’s nominated for _Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Musical_.

When it was announced that he was nominated, Dan cried for a good hour. He hugged Phil and kissed him and rambled on about how much this meant to him and how he didn’t deserve a nomination compared to all the other incredibly talented actors in his category.

Phil doesn’t agree. The other actors are talented, sure, but Dan has this unprecedented passion and determination and warmth, beyond that which is seen in other actors. Dan has put so much time and love and effort into his performance, he deserves it fully. Phil may be a bit biased though.

-

The Tony Awards are held at Radio City Music Hall and it's filled with hundreds of actors, most of whom Phil doesn’t recognize, but Dan is gushing over his idols from afar and making small talk with his friends in the cast.

Phil stays patiently by Dan’s side, their arms linked. He nods in conversations, but is generally uninterested: he spends most of his time just staring at how good Dan looks in a crisp, dark black suit, with his hair straightened perfectly. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t staring at Dan for the whole cab journey.

In this moment, talking to friends, surrounded by people he looks up to, Dan looks so blissfully happy. The happiness is contagious and Phil feels a warm, fuzzy tingling in his stomach.  

Dan is nervous and jumpy as they take their seats; he jiggles his knee up and down nervously. Phil places a hand overtop of it. “Hey, relax, everything’ll be fine.”

Dan takes a breath, “I know, I’m just nervous. What if I win, what will I say? I mean, I probably won’t but–”

“Dan, you could very well win tonight, and if you do, you go up there and improvise a killer speech. That’s what actors do right, improvise?”

“Right, improvise,” Dan sounds relaxed, but his posture is still tense, with tight shoulders and a clenched jaw. Phil places an arm on Dan’s shoulder, the tension depletes, he takes a deep breath.

“It’s okay, everything’s okay, I’m right beside you,” Phil whispers softly.

-

Neil Patrick Harris is doing an amazing job as host, performing musical numbers and keeping the audience entertained between the awards being given out. Dan and Phil laugh, keeping their fingers intertwined for Dan’s comfort.

As the show is nearing the end, it’s time for one of the biggest awards of the night. Best Performance by Featured Actor in a Musical. Dan’s category. Kristin Chenoweth is set to present the award and, when she enters the stage, Dan’s stomach starts to turn.

“This next award has been highly anticipated this year, with so many amazing performances by so many amazing people!” Kristin reads enthusiastically. “The nominees for Best Performance by a _Leading Actor in a Musical_ are: Michael Cerveris in _Fun Home_ as _Bruce Bechdel_ , Dan Howell in _Kinky Boots_ as _Charlie Price_ –”

Kristin continues to list the rest of the nominees, but Dan is no longer listening. He’s too busy focusing on all of the what if possibilities. As Kristin begins to open the envelope, Dan’s palms start to sweat. She takes a breath before speaking.

“The winner for Best Performance by a Leading Actor in a Musical is Dan Howell for _Kinky Boots_!”

Dan isn’t even sure if he’s heard her correctly or if he’s dreaming. He sits there, in shock, jaw dropped until Phil pats him on the back reassuringly, as if to say ‘go up there and get it’. Dan stands and the applause is immediate. It follows him until he reaches the microphone on stage - he’s surprised he manages to make it up the stairs without tripping.

Kristin hands him the award with a smile, and he takes it into his hands carefully. It’s heavier than he expected. He looks at it quickly before turning to the microphone: the design is beautifully intricate and the metal shines underneath the stage lights.

“Wow, this is - well, I don’t have a speech prepared, I didn't really think I’d win!” The audience laughs and Dan feels a bit more at ease.

“I really never expected this. Ever since I was young, acting’s been huge part of my life. There were times when life wasn't the best, but with acting I could become anyone I wanted to be - a hero, a villain, a knight in shining armor. I didn't have to be Dan the lame, dorky kid from school.” The audience laughs again and Dan smiles shyly.

“And now I’m doing this full time and it all seems like a dream but I can truly say that I am now the happiest that I've ever been. Before I get called off stage for speaking too long, I’d like to thank my friends and family for the constant love and support. To the cast of Les Mis in London, you are all wonderful and I have learned so much from all of you. To the cast of Kinky Boots here in New York, you are all spectacular, and working with you everyday is amazing.” The audience begins to clap, but Dan’s not finished yet. He waits until the applause dies down and then he begins to speak again.

“And finally, I'd like to thank Phil. My best friend, my everything. Thank you for your constant love and support, for your endless happiness and motivation. Thank you for giving us a second chance. Thank you for everything.”

Dan can't believe he's just said all of that, especially on live TV. All of it’s true, of course, he means it all. Once he started speaking, he couldn’t stop. He feels self conscious for being so open with so many people, the overwhelming majority of whom are strangers, but the audience claps loudly: some people give small cheers or exclamations of excitement and congratulations. Dan smiles, shares a short ‘thank you’ and heads off stage. People give him nothing but smiles as he heads back to his seat. Phil’s already standing, arms wide open, and Dan embraces him, clutching on to him tightly.

“I love you, I’m so, so proud of you,” Phil whispers in Dan’s ear. Dan places a chaste kiss on Phil’s lips before they sit back down again, cheeks flushed and hearts flittering from the display of affection. There are surely cameras capturing their every move, their small grins to each other, their hands linked, but in the moment neither of them care; they're too preoccupied with their love for each other.

Their love for each other that is simple and blissful and happy. Their love for each other that continues to grow. No matter where they or they’re doing, they’re completely and fully in love with each other. And that is all that matters.


End file.
